The Texan West Side (feat. The Once and Future Coffee Addict)
For the first time it’s going down in history! The Overnighter, the blog that you love for its wit and hidden red panda pictures, has partnered up with The Once And Future Coffee Addict for the first ever joint post. I provided the words, TOAFCA provided the visuals. ENJOY!
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One of the most surprising things that I learned since moving to New York City is the amount of Texans that currently live in the city. Along with me personally running into former Texans, apparently the locals are taking notice. An example of dialogue lampshading this:
Local: So where are you from?
Me: Austin, Texas.
Local: Wow, Texas! I’ve met a few people from Texas too!
Me: Yeah, we’re taking over, like the Dominicans. We’ll have our own part of town in ten years.
Around the fifth time I had a discussion like this, I started thinking: What would a Texan part of New York City look like?
In case you too were wondering about that, you (1) have way too much time on your hands and (2) came to the right place for your answer. I present to you:
THE TEXAN WEST SIDE
While part of the Upper West Side, the Texan West Side (or TXWS pronounced Tex-Wis, for the cultured type) would be built around one of Texas’ greatest contributions to America right now: the new Alamo Drafthouse on the corner of 99th and Broadway (OMFG SO EXCITED!).
How would you know you entered TXWS? You’re welcomed by the mural of Ron Paul fist-bumping with Willie Nelson on the corner of 96th and Broadway.
The Texan West Side would be a relatively safe part of Manhattan. Why? Because in a “middle finger to New York” move, concealed carry would be the norm in the TXWS. iPhone thieves be warned.
There would be a bar for every major Texas university, and a red cargo van for OU alums to hang out and smoke meth in.
After a long debate, West Side High School will change its name to Ann Richards High School. ARHS would be a perennial high school football power, until the program is shut down due to allegations that boosters provided housing/payments to football players and their families to move from Texas to TXWS.
Ask five people where the best barbecue is. Or the best guacamole. Or the best place for three dollar margaritas. And you’ll get five different answers. And all five of those answers would be in TXWS.
During the winter months, TXWS will completely shut down. Mainly due to half the residents going back to Texas and its 80 degree Christmastime weather, and the other half locked in their rooms, cowering in fear in of the white unknown from the sky.
And finally, Texas Independence Day would have to be recognized as a legitimate, “can’t go to work today” cultural holiday in New York City. Cue a Texas Independence Day parade followed by a festival that combines Fiesta, Oktoberfest, and every single chili/queso/BBQ cookoff that ever existed.
So please Texans in Texas, lets take over this city. Maybe if enough of us move here, we can petition for a combination Kerbey Lane/Torchy’s Tacos/Rudy’s!
New York, nay AMERICA, needs a combination like that!
We brought over an Alamo Drafthouse, Texan-New Yorkers! The sky’s the limit! I’m writing a petition for a Kerbey Lane in New York City right now. Coming soon.
